FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
