I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
