What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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