How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
