Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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