why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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