remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
