grandma shit on top of the toilet
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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