Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
