nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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