omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
