Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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