this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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