You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
