I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
