I want to have your abortion
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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