Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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