Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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