He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize