So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
