its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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