You're my little dorito
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I supernannyed him into submission
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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