That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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