Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
