I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
