Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
