i always forget guys have bellybuttons
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
