you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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