I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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