I didn't shave. On purpose
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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