Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
