the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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