I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
This is the high leading the old right now
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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