worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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