I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
