Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
honey bunches of taint.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
