Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
