Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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