i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
