Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
