My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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