On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
