If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
