I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
