She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
