So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
