And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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