I accidentally had phone sex last night
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize