there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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