Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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