I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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