God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
