It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
