Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
