I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
