Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
