dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My underwear smells like fireworks.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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