i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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