I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
