why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
