there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
