apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
