i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
