While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
