did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
