An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I need a burrito and a hug.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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