just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
