Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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