shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize