Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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