woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
