Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
ok first of all what the fuck
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
