honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
