made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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