I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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